This blog is adapted from a webinar given by Mental Health Innovations’ Head of Psychology Research and Commissioned Training, Dr Ariele Noble.
Thanks to technology, in some ways we’re more connected than ever, yet loneliness is at an all-time high. It’s one of the top five reasons people text reach out to our Shout text service, and 33% of texters say they had no one else to talk to about how they felt.
Community and connection are easily overlooked, especially when life gets busy. But the reality is, they are some of our basic needs as human beings, and key pillars of maintaining good wellbeing. In the event that someone struggles with their mental health, it’s often the people around them who can support them through it.
The question isn’t whether or not we should be using technology, but how we can use it in ways that strengthens and enriches our relationships.
Why we need connection and relationships
We all need to feel seen and understood. An 85-year-long Harvard study found that the strongest predictor of long-term wellbeing and health throughout life was good, fulfilling relationships. Abraham Maslow, a psychologist famous for his theory around the ‘Hierarchy of Needs’, also referred to relationships and belonging as central to psychological health - as important as having food and shelter.
Lacking the social connection we need can shorten our lifespan by 26%, according to former United States Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy.
Academic studies aside, you’ve likely felt the benefit of a strong connection yourself. If you think about a time you had a good conversation with someone where you felt they really heard you, what was that like? It’s often an uplifting feeling, both physically and mentally.
Connecting through technology
Technology is what enables Shout Volunteers to connect with people in need, any time of day or night, no matter where they are in the UK. Many texters reach out to us because they want to speak to someone impartial, someone who will listen without judging. Our volunteers can be that first point of call and provide 24/7 support when in-person services are closed.
Being a digital text service can also help people take the first step to getting support because writing down how they feel can be easier than saying it out loud, or they might be in a situation where they can’t speak because they’ll be overheard.
The Shout service meets people where they are, and where they might feel most comfortable. If a texter needs further support, our volunteers (who are supervised by clinicians) will always aim to help them come up with a plan that helps them take the next step to supporting themselves. Often that will start with speaking to someone they know about how they’re feeling and thinking in person, whether that’s a parent, friend, colleague or professional.
Through The Mix, our digital service for under-25s, we’re providing an ecosystem of support through online tools and resources, enabling us to reach children and young people at scale through technology and be there in the ways that work for them. For example, through our LifeSkills self-paced learning topics, we’re equipping children and young people with digital modules around a range of subjects that can help support their mental wellbeing and help stop them reaching crisis point, while our AI chatbot ‘MixBot’ provides 24/7 access to help and support on mental health.
The paradox of technology
With technology, we know what friends we haven’t seen or spoken to in years are up to, news from the other side of the world is in our hands as it happens, and we often find ourselves part of a busy group chat or two.
We have more access to each other, but that access doesn’t always translate into something meaningful.
A big problem with online connection is that it’s curated and less spontaneous. We’re often not totally putting forward our complete, real selves. Messages are re-read, re-thought then rewritten. Everything is a little closer to perfect. But it means we can’t be fully seen and understood, and it makes it harder for someone else to relate to us, because nobody feels that filtered in real life.
It’s the in-the-moment, messier connection that makes us human and brings us closer to each other.
- Digital connections can:
- Be filtered and edited
- Be planned interactions
- Be presentation focused
- Involve low emotional risk
- Provide validation through numbers - Spontaneous connection can:
- Be unscripted
- Be unplanned
- Be fully focused on the moment and person or people you’re with
- Have emotional vulnerability
- Provide mutual attention / feedback
When we think about what we really long for in our connections with others, it’s to be more than just perceived, it’s to be truly known. French philosopher Gabriel Marcel spoke of the risk of people becoming functions and data points, rather than being valued as unique. He said that true connection needs wonder, openness and mutual presence - qualities that are often lost in a fast-paced digital interaction.
Considerations of AI chatbot therapy
Beyond connecting with others through digital mediums, many people are now outsourcing emotional needs to AI. Anthropic, the creator of AI chatbot Claude, recently reported that 2.9% of its conversations are used for affective support. Meanwhile a survey by Sentio University found that 49% of chatbot users had used one for mental health support.
Sometimes speaking to a chatbot in the moment can be helpful, for example, they can help people find the words to describe how they’re feeling or suggest techniques to help cope, such as the signposting information available through the MixBot. Speaking to an AI chatbot should always be a step towards speaking to a trusted person.
While it feels faster and less emotionally vulnerable to talk to ChatGPT or other AI chatbots about how we’re feeling, it means we’re not opening up to a fellow human being and strengthening that relationship. A tenet of healthy relationships is the capacity to be felt with. Feeling an emotion with someone, being witnessed by someone who can experience the feeling with you, is essential to our wellbeing, resilience, support, healing and recovery, and something ChatGPT - nor any bot - will be able to replicate. They might be able to simulate it, but will never truly give you that experience. By talking only to AI about how we feel, we lose our tribe.
How to build connection and community, with and around technology
We don’t need grand gestures to make connections, they’re built on small consistent things: trust, shared experiences, empathy, compassion, attunement.
Some quick adjustments to make to ensure technology is improving your relationships include:
- Video call instead of messaging
Sometimes technology can bring us together when in reality there might be oceans between us. Video calling means we get more of a spontaneous, full experience from the interaction. - Set digital boundaries
Take intentional breaks from tech, try creating no phone zones. - Value in-person micro interactions
Ask a neighbour or colleague what they’ve been up to. - Strengthen community involvement
Volunteer with a local group or cause, or do a favour for a neighbour or friend. Volunteering strengthens our sense of belonging. Read more about its impact in our recent report. - Create space for real connection
Have friends around for dinner, catch up to kick a ball around, or go for a coffee.
